Disappointment and Responsibility: Own it

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As I've previously mentioned, I decided to participate in the Crossfit Open as a way to benchmark my own performance, not to go head-to-head with other competitors. Having crossed over to the other side of my 1-year anniversary as a Crossfitter, there are noticeable strides and obvious changes in strength, but I suppose I still wanted some measurement, some numerical proof, that I was growing as an athlete.


I had been proud of my scores from the first three weeks, and relieved that the fourth week's WOD would not eliminate me, and even I contemplated trying to eek out a few additional reps in a second attempt at the Wallballapalooza. Sunday night, while procrastinating over my final presentation for a class I was taking, I suddenly remembered that I had to enter my score. 8:04 eastern standard time. Submissions were supposed to be in by 8. Delighted that the registration system still let me enter my score, I became relieved and excited to see how the score would affect my then-15,175th place ranking. (I know, I know, I wasn't supposed to care how I was doing against everyone else).

Fast forward to Wednesday. Below is what I found:

How was my score still pending? Everyone else from my box had a valid score recorded. I emailed the coaches at my affiliate, and even as I write this I haven't received a response from them about what happened. I was so deflated. So much so that I didn't even attempt the 12.5 workout, which would have gotten me 3 points.


I wanted to justify my resulting petulance by blaming everyone else in the process. The website, my coaches, my girlfriends who kept me out so late on Saturday night thus rendering me unable to reattempt the workout on Sunday. No, this one is on me.


The deadline was clear. The expectation was clear. And I missed it, by 4 minutes. And by days of not checking to make sure that the website had accepted my score. If I was going to give myself full credit for my success in this process, then I must hold myself in full accountibility for my failure. Fair is fair.


So where would I have been, if the score had properly been entered? 14,011th place. Lots of room for improvement. And that's all on me too.

A lesson in technique...

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Here is my dilemma:

I walk into the gym, grab a rope and start jumping... Then I think "hand placement, foot placement, jumping height, speed..." No Problemo!... but after about 15 DU I usually tank and for the next 3 minutes or 3 weeks I can't get even 1 DU to save my life. Same story with Toes to Bar.  I think "hand placement, BIG kip, raise my hips, Touch!" I get 3 or 4 in a row, but once the WOD starts I can't get a single solitary one! That is of course, till the WOD is over and I go right back to kicking the bar again.

It seems to me that this is not an issue of strength or ability. If it was I wouldn't be able to get ANY! It's not fatigue either because sometimes I can only get 3 DU in a row before my streak is broken for the day.

So it has got to be something else...

Toes to Bar

Double Unders

I'm much stronger than I was when I started so I couldn't figure out why these movements were so difficult to do on a regular basis. The tricky movements for me are things like Toes to Bar, Double Unders and Handstand Push ups... but I can usually do them when I'm under direct supervision of a trainer who is critiquing me. 

I pondered this with my trainer Brian Yoak, and he helped me understand something interesting...  Contrary to popular belief, most movements begin with technique and end with strength not the other way around.  Meaning that learning to utilize the proper technique allows you to do more and move faster before your muscles get stronger. There is actually a specific technique with each of these movements that I can do but have not mastered.  So while I get excited every time I get to add another plate to the bar, that doesn't automatically mean I can do all the "gymnastic" movements with ease.

I know over time it will become second nature and my muscle memory will kick in when I finally figure out proper movement, placement and how each they should feel. I know that it takes practice, countless reps, trial and error, constructive criticism, and more practice to find the sweet spot.  

When technique and strength finally come together, anything is possible.  

Swing Like Hell

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Suck it in and swing like hell. This was one off-handed yet brilliant piece of advice posted among the flurry of comments once the 12.3 workout of the CrossFit Open was released. Toes. To. Bar. Nothing strikes as much fear in me (except maybe “I’m sorry ma’am, we’re all out of cupcakes”). A move so seemingly straightforward, yet somehow so elusive.

For those of you not following/participating in the Open, 12.3 included the following:

Complete as many rounds as possible in 18 minutes:

                       * 15 box jumps (to 20” box for women)

                       * 12 Push-press (with 75lb for women)

                       * 9 Toes-to-bar

I was fairly confident about the first two elements, but quite concerned that the third would prohibit me from participating as I’d rarely been able to complete more than two toes-to-bar in succession without having to switch to knees-to-elbows, or the ever-dreaded, as-high-as-you-can-go. So as in any other obstacle in my life, I researched.

My job as a Media Buyer (and every job I’ve ever had) involves a great deal of negotiation. After having made a rookie negotiation mistake early on in my career, and having my bluff tragically exposed, I quickly learned to plan for as many scenarios as possible. Being armed with information is the best offense and defense, I believe. Or for you guys out there: Knowing is half the battle (maybe more). Those closest to me will attest that I emotionally prepare for even the unlikeliest of situations. I’m like a human Choose Your Own Adventure story, but one that reads ahead in each option to make a more informed choice. It’s annoying, but it works for me.

No matter how many videos I viewed of veteran CrossFit athletes knocking out toes-to-bar reps with ease, I was feeling no more secure about my fate of having to sit out the last 16:30 of the 18:00 workout. I went back to the comment I read early on in my inquiry and finally saw this in its simplest form. The same kind of advice that softball and tennis coaches had used my entire life; “Don’t think, just swing.” So swing I did.

I began the workout with a goal of 1+27 (or total score of 63); 1 full circuit of all three elements plus the box jumps and push presses a second time. I wanted to get the 9 toes-to-bar, even if it took me the full 18 minutes.  Each time I approached the bar I silently recited my new mantra; suck it in and swing like hell.  When time ran out, I was 3 reps away from completing a full 3^rd circuit. 9 toes-to-bar turned into 24 and my total score of 2+33 (total score 105) surpassed my expectation, and even my aspiration.

Maybe you can’t plan and research your way out of every situation. Maybe sometimes you just have to believe in yourself and go for it.

The Arnold

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This past weekend I volunteered at the "Arnold". Forty five different sports and events showed up, including Crossfit and 11 Olympic sports. The festival has expanded into the world’s largest multi-sport fitness weekend since its 1989 beginning called "The Arnold Classic" that was a one-day professional men’s bodybuilding competition.

The 12.2bar set-up

I volunteered for the 12.2 Crossfit OPEN competitions, so I was fortunate enough to be behind the scenes with the top Crossfitters in the world like Rich Froning (2011 fittest man in the world) and Dan Baily (2010 fittest man in the world). I swallowed a large piece of humble pie every time I had to run onto the floor and struggled to re-stack each individual plate they so effortlessly lifted over their heads during competition.

Kate Rawlings 12.2

What I found super encouraging was the food that was served... Everything (except some cheese that no one was eating) was Paleo... From the competition snacks to the after party buffet, all of it was Paleo friendly! I finally didn't feel like a crazy, cave-woman, outcast for ordering differently. We all laughed at a deliciously evil bread and rolls basket, about the size of a tire, that went untouched while the bacon, chicken, steak, fruit and lettuce wraps were devoured.

Events like this remind me that my new life-changes ARE possible.  It reminds me, that while with-in my little world I may be in the minority of people because I choose Paleo and the "WOD" over conventional forms of healthy living, there are many out there that are making similar choices everyday...  They have made it a life style, and now I am part of their community...

Little Victories

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Admittedly, I’ve been a bit of a slacker lately. And maybe a little too hard on myself. Last spring I was diligent and dutiful about my diet (then vegan), about getting my lazy butt to the gym (or the yoga studio, or the tennis court), and about celebrating little victories.

Incremental gains were easy to celebrate then because everything was new; learning to kip, running a timed 5k, tree pose with my eyes closed, hoisting more than half my bodyweight directly over my head and having the confidence to trust that I wouldn’t drop it on myself. Ah, those were the days.

Now that I’ve been at CrossFit for more than a year, I find myself, more and more, comparing my weights, my times, and my dedication to those around me, as though I’ve crossed some sort of chronological threshold which requires (or implies) a perfection of skill akin to the women who currently top the leaderboard of the CrossFit Open. But this is simply not true. There is much more to learn and not a single person in my life expects perfection.

So, to prove to myself that I don’t expect perfection either, I decided to participate in the Open. I wanted to set a personal benchmark. Rather than trying to do better than other competitors this year, I’ll be able to try and do better than myself--next year…and celebrate the strength that comes with another year’s practice.

How did 12.1 go? Well, the result is less important than the 6-rep improvement I squeezed out in my second attempt. A little victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Water Wall

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I have this picture on my fridge  -- the "Water Wall"  -- that represents what I work toward and fight for.

The "water  wall" is a moment in my workout when my body has reached complete exhaustion. At that moment, my brain begins to hum, my body digs deep to find the power to keep moving, and, when my body quits, my mind takes over and I push even harder past any point I thought possible. I can feel the change when this happens. Though a rare moment, I crave the feeling like a drug and strive for it each workout. When I'm lucky enough to arrive there -- the place where I feel the concerns of life, such as image, money, and responsibility, melt away -- I'm a new person; I'm empowered, free, and successful. At that moment, it's just me and my willpower.  I can't hear the people around me or see the clock, only the bar, the burpee, or the kettle bell in front of me. 

To me this photo represents that rare moment in a workout when I reach the limit or "water wall" of what my mind and body can do separately. Moving past this threshold requires a harmony between the two that leaves me with a self-awareness that is second to none.  Before this moment, the world is the same mundane, confusing, organized, disorganized, and worrisome place. It's what I am used to, its the place I live in every day.  But after that point in the workout, when I've moved beyond the barriers and am pushed beyond the mental limits, the stresses of life disappear and my mind is completely in-tune with my body. It's a type of survival mode.  And once I breakthrough the "water wall" of things that hold me back -- my inhibitions, sadness, insecurities, exhaustion, rage, anger, frustration, and tiredness -- the weight of the world is washed away. Those other concerns are left on the box floor, with my sweat. Some people scream, some cheer, I cry. I'm not the same after these workouts; they bring out the real me, a raw version of me, an empowered me.